The unraveling
As those who know me have learnt, historically I don’t do rejection, period. It’s not solely that I handle rejection objectively bad, it’s also that I avoid it to an almost comical degree. Despite this, I left my whole life, heart in hand and moved to a different continent. That I, security chasing – avoidant queen numero uno, would take this non-strategic leap of faith is deeply surprising to me. Yes, I am exaggerating my not so charming sides for effect, I might not be the queen of avoidance but I am definitely in that category.
The point I’m trying to make is this: that I took this jump – is huge! If my life was a tv-serie this would be one of those aha-moments symbolizing the character development that has transpired through time. I am apparently a person who can be vulnerable. Vulnerable and honest about what I want. Vulnerable and courageous enough to go after it. Vulnerable and present. Imagine that!
This did not stop me from going on a few random dates in an attempt to escape the terrible shame and acute loneliness I was feeling, the next date more awful than the previous. I realized that this wouldn’t do. Sure, there are worse ways that I could have reacted but I could see the unraveling happening from within and reactions of escapism. That’s not how I want to handle this. A dear friend of mine asked me, how can you handle this with grace towards yourself? It was asked with such abundance of love, the answer came immediately: dance.
Solo travel tip of the week
Traveling can be super exciting and more often than not we have our itineraries packed with activities from start to finish. When we later get home from the vacation our phones are full of photos and memories but how do we feel on the inside? What did we actually experience on the trip? Did I even have time to process it?
My best travel tip so far is to throw away ALL planning. Try it! At least for a few days, allow yourself to just be, see where the flow takes you. Not only is it a way to let life surprise you. I truly believe that norms and expectations can be so integrated in us that we don’t even realize that we are doing things that we don’t like. Even on vacations! By breaking old habits of how you vacation, you can really be present and start to feel what you really like.
What comes next?
Dance is and always has been a space for me to process and express my emotions. A space where I could dare to be everything I wished, feel the emotions that felt too big for my own body. As a child I danced a lot of ballet and contemporary but as I got older I got more and more into salsa and eventually also kizomba. Dancing has healed me more times than I can remember and no matter how long it goes in between the sessions of dancing, I always end back here. If I am to give myself a chance to ground myself and help myself navigate this situation I am in, dance is the way.
I quickly start looking for dance schools and socials (sort of like an after-work, but instead of drinking you dance) but Durban is dead. Dead-dead. No dance in sight. It is clear that the pandemic affected a lot of the cultural life here because this is not how I remember the dancing scene of Durban. So if there is no dancing here, maybe I need to go to where the dancing is? I’m not sure this is what I want, to leave Durban… I mean I had intended to stay here indefinitely?! But the reality is also this, my airbnb rental is going to be up and I don’t have anywhere to live. The plan was to move in with my ex and that is definitely not happening now. So where do I go? What do I do? I did not budget for traveling and, looking at my overfull suitcases, I did not pack for it either. So many questions… but one thing is clear: when the unraveling is near, I need to dance.
What comes next?
Dance is and always has been a space for me to process and express my emotions. A space where I could dare to be everything I wished, feel the emotions that felt too big for my own body. As a child I danced a lot of ballet and contemporary but as I got older I got more and more into salsa and eventually also kizomba. Dancing has healed me more times than I can remember and no matter how long it goes in between the sessions of dancing, I always end back here. If I am to give myself a chance to ground myself and help myself navigate this situation I am in, dance is the way.
I quickly start looking for dance schools and socials (sort of like an after-work, but instead of drinking you dance) but Durban is dead. Dead-dead. No dance in sight. It is clear that the pandemic affected a lot of the cultural life here because this is not how I remember the dancing scene of Durban. So if there is no dancing here, maybe I need to go to where the dancing is? I’m not sure this is what I want, to leave Durban… I mean I had intended to stay here indefinitely?! But the reality is also this, my airbnb rental is going to be up and I don’t have anywhere to live. The plan was to move in with my ex and that is definitely not happening now. So where do I go? What do I do? I did not budget for traveling and, looking at my overfull suitcases, I did not pack for it either. So many questions… but one thing is clear: when the unraveling is near, I need to dance.
Solo travel tip of the week
Traveling can be super exciting and more often than not we have our itineraries packed with activities from start to finish. When we later get home from the vacation our phones are full of photos and memories but how do we feel on the inside? What did we actually experience on the trip? Did I even have time to process it?
My best travel tip so far is to throw away ALL planning. Try it! At least for a few days, allow yourself to just be, see where the flow takes you. Not only is it a way to let life surprise you. I truly believe that norms and expectations can be so integrated in us that we don’t even realize that we are doing things that we don’t like. Even on vacations! By breaking old habits of how you vacation, you can really be present and start to feel what you really like.
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